48 years together — so far, so good

48 years ago this week I met Celia at the wedding of mutual friends in the heart of the English New Forest. I moved in with her ten days later and we’ve been together ever since. We married in 1977… …and moved to the U.S. the same year.

We have been through so much together. Wonderful times and hard times. Along the way our family grew; we now have three (adult) children and three grandkids.

A few years ago we were in Anguilla for two weeks and I decided I would tell her each day something that I loved about her. It was easy to do.

What have I learned from Celia?

Unconditional love

Like most couples, we were infatuated with each other from the start. Unlike other relationships I’d had, our mutual infatuation lasted years, rather than weeks or months. It was over a year before we had our first argument.

We participate in a daily dharma meditation on Zoom on weekday mornings. Recently, our teacher quoted the Buddha’s words about the liberation of the ego through love. Celia has been a great teacher to me of that. Loving kindness cuts through the murk of identifying with a belief about who I am, as opposed to being who I am. Having someone love me unconditionally despite my imperfections is a great blessing.

Noticing and sharing feelings

Celia helps me learn to share more about how I feel and less about what I think. This has helped me overcome (to some extent!) the effects of a quarter-century of being taught that thinking is the only important motivator of action. We’ve helped each other get better at sharing feelings and becoming less scared about doing so. She’s really good about supporting me when I do.

Family

I’ve always loved being with children but never spent significant time with little kids. Celia has worked with kids for most of her life, first in after-school programs and later as a pediatric occupational therapist in our local schools. She has taught me a lot about being with kids, about having kids, and bringing out my childlike, joyful, playful side.

She has helped me develop what it means to me to be a family.

Mutual support

Celia teaches me how, together, we can weather hard times that would be so much harder if we were by ourselves. She tends to go into how she’s feeling about a situation before I do, at which time I can support her. When I’m down, Celia’s very supportive.

She has helped me learn about myself through being seen through her eyes. She is often insightful about me and others in ways that take me some time to appreciate.

Honesty and generosity

Celia has taught me about honesty and lack of guile, while still being circumspect and respectful of situations.

I have learned about generosity from her. There have been plenty of times when I’ve been influenced by her generous spirit in responding to situations. I think I have got better at being generous, thanks to her.

I don’t know if I’ve learned this from her, but Celia can simply say just the right thing at the right time. Sometimes she discounts this superpower. I continue to tell her how important it is.

Aging well

Celia has been a model for me in how she looks after herself as she ages. She has transformed how I eat and always supports me exercising.

Learning from each other

We have learned from each other about:

• Our spiritual journey together.
• Illuminating each others’ shadows, allowing us both to grow.
• Giving each other the freedom to do what we want to do as individuals, and negotiating well how we want to plan our future together.

We complement each other so well. I am blessed to have her in my life.